Fear of failure despite a new found confidence

Revisiting the past is a melancholy affair. A journey taken not lightly for it can be filled with a gambit of emotions, as I look over a number of photographs taken in 2005. Images reflecting a time when I hiked the hills behind our house. Exploring the early morning light as it filtered through the California oak trees, gracing the spring growth with its pale amber light, these photographs marked a time in my life that will not be repeated soon, since the focus has shifted to painting.




The last several days I have meant to write and update the progress of the Abstract Realism painting ‘Industrial Wall — Flint Ink’, considering significant progress had been made, not only with version two, featured earlier this month on this blog, but version one was completed this last Sunday.


Both versions are based on the same photograph with key differences between the two. I had planned early on the idea of two versions, considering both paintings were going to be an experiment in regards to the combinations of materials used, one painting (version #1) will be offered for sale and version two with the ‘combine’ materials would be part of the van Dyck Trust collection.


So this weekend the final touches, an oil-based glaze with Liquin was applied over the entire canvas, with a second coat within in the hour, only over portions of the canvas so that there would be the illusion of different light sources.


A third coat using the same percentages of Liquin to Manganese Blue Nova oil paint was once again applied to only portions of the canvas in order to strengthen specific areas and the following day under cool early morning light the decision was made that this painting was finished. Now I am faced with the decision if this glaze application should also be added to the other canvas, especially since I had planned it in the first place.


The decision came quickly when I accidentally came across the finished painting in perfect light and saw that the intent was captured after all. So once I have photographed version two in its present stage, I can move ahead and bring another painting to completion.


Though I have found success with one painting, there is still the lingering fear of failure until the other painting has the same outcome and when I manage to have a satisfactory result, I will have learned from the process but fear of failure remains strong despite my newfound confidence.


As we bring another month to a close like a chapter in a book, we begin anew another, like the path before us, one often traveled but never the same twice, I will seek inspiration in familiar places, all the while discovering new ones.